my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Randomize
