Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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