even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
