Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I think my moral compass just broke
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
