I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
