I'm lost and stupid without you.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Randomize
