I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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