She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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