Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
MIDGETS
????
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
