Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
