he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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