STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
