Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Randomize
