Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Randomize
