just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
