It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
