Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
