There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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