my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I lost the right to judge tonight
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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