i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
