at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
