omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
