I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
