your thong is hanging out like whoa
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
