I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
