I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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