She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
