just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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