Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
My bed is full of blood and feathers
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
