Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
