So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
