my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
you will always have a special place in my vag
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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