Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Randomize
