You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Randomize
