Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
