Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
