I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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