He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
