Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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