mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
