I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
