This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
