we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
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