Please, let me fuck your mom
im six kinds of drunk right now
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
