That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
