he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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