Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
