My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
