I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
