I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
