she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
