Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Randomize
