Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
